Samhain 2020 - Rebirthing the Inner Seed

The Seed - Jan 2020

2020 in a nutshell? There is no nutshell! There have been many parallel storylines coming to the surface this year but only one has shied the whole year. The painting. The process. The healing.

It started with boredom and an itch - the inner crucible warms up and I let it lead me in search of paint; it had to be paint, lots of paint and a polite tube of acrylic just wouldn't do it. I needed a can of emulsion!

At the back of the Aladdin's cave cupboard I spot some very old Farrow & Ball paint. Lime White is what I want and, grabbing a piece of board and some brushes, I run back upstairs with a building sense of urgency. I set to work prizing the rusted lid from the tin of paint until in one final lever with a screwdriver, it pops off, releasing a somewhat whiffy aroma. It is a smell like fetid earth, like something has been planted and not given air, leaving it to rot and sweat in the ground. There is a thick layer on the top like a scab of gooey, rubbery paint which I carefully peel off and discard. Underneath it I see a mess.

A hillside of lumpy paint, some runny, some congealed and all coated in this watery, rusty liquid; like I'd stumbled upon an old tin mine river bed made toxic by man. And something in my belly turns over at the thought of how we've abused this planet.

I get a stick and begin mixing the paint to see what happens and the pigments come alive and the colour is perfect (even though I have no clue what this is going to be). Staying with the experience, I scoop out handfuls of lumpy paint and smear them onto the board; it feels lovely, like moulding cold wet clay. As I move the paint around the board, noticing all the lumps, I want to play more and I reach for an old tile adhesive comb, dragging it down the length of the board, making a ridge and furrow effect in the lumpy hillside. I wet my hands to smooth out the ridges, leaving the canvass ready to paint.

Time for some polite acrylic. 

Into little pots I squeeze all the aquatic colours I can lay my hands on; turquoise, teal, cyan, amethyst and a dash of lime; I know these will form the right hand side. Like a mad professor, I reach for a mini whisk so I can 'drop' paint on rather than push paint in. And so it begins. Bead after bead of carefully and surgically applied drops of marine colour in the shape of half a seed. It looks really pretty and feels very 'light', 'innocent' and 'alive'. I am creating a 'something beautiful' in this Petri dish and the word I hear is 'neurogenesis'. A shiver runs through me, guilt rises up and I bring in the grey's. I begin to mix a variety of clay grey's to continue the drop method on the left hand side and my heart aches an old old ache. "This will end badly" echoes in my mind.

I stand and stare at this seed made of two worlds; don't know how I'm feeling; lost maybe; bewildered maybe; ashamed.

I pick up a brush and blend the aquatics. Then another brush to blend the grey's. It feels wilfully destructive and my heart begins to break as tears and convulsive coughing come. This feels ancient and my soul reaches out to the cosmos for help and this feels meaningful, like it's part of what I came here to do; my heart beams out love and lifts me up to meet the shadow as I surrender to the pain completely and allow the deepest well of emotion to rise up and find its release. 

Six hours later I emerge from the depths an exhausted rag doll. I wander back to the painting, empty, tired and extremely serene. Whatever needed to be done is done. I pick up a small brush and, with tears rolling down my face, I squiggle one little Turquoise line from the bottom of the seed up. Rebirth.

This magical painting will be the first card in a deck I'm creating. It is the card of 'Rebirth' and the rest will come.

What an unprecedented year. The growth I have experienced in myself and witnessed in clients and those around me is profound.

2020 has been 'Crouching Tiger' - the quiet, hidden rebuilding of the inner cathedral. 2021 will see the inner 'Hidden Dragon' emerge!

Love is the answer. This is the dawning and the calling.

Much Love Always.

Chrissy Sawyer x

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